I recorded my voice today and really noticed the difference between the Week 1 and Week 8 recordings (they’re posted – check them out). It’s really (finally) starting to happen! I’m relieved. A small part of me felt like my body would rebel – saying “You waited too long. You’re 50 for fuck’s sake. No transition for you!” – yes, illogical, but haunting.
I also started reading “The Testosterone Files” by Max Wolf Valerio. I’m hoping to find some simpatico – glimmers of “Oh yeah, someone else has experienced this as well…” but so far I can’t get past all the drug use, punk rock, and artist/writer lifestyle. It just doesn’t resonate with me. My past is too conventional, even as an out (and somewhat activist) lesbian, to relate to Max’s story.
So I trudge on, feeling very alone at the moment, assessing the small but visible changes to my outer and inner landscapes. The outer part is easier. A bit more hair here and there. Broader hands, visible veins. A bicep (never had one before) And yes, a deeper voice. The inner landscape is tricker. Harder to verify against mere placebo effect. I feel more confident (going into the men’s restroom is not as stressful), energetic (I walked a fast-pace three miles today and still had energy left over to cook a big pot of food for the week), and focused (less “multi-tasky”).
I’m going to Atlanta in May to meet the surgeon that will do my SRS. I’m hoping to have my new Driver’s License by then. Otherwise I may not “pass” as the “F” identity marker on the current version. A good problem to have.