A dear friend recently shared wonderful words of wisdom about the intersection and melding of thought and action. I now share with you my reply…
I’ve spent a great deal of energy on action and dwelling on the physical aspects of the transition somewhat to the detriment of reflecting on the accompanying feelings and thoughts. Part of the “truth” for me now is embodiment – I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to ignore the physical plane and focus my energies on more fruitful pursuits in academia and industry. Now I’m in a situation where it hits me in the face every day – whether it’s some incremental change in appearance or how often I “pass” as male. (I hate the word pass to describe being seen for who I’ve always felt I was – it still rings of deception. But I don’t have a better way to say it because it’s not like “two spirit” for me either although my American Indian heritage draws me to that moniker sometimes).
I can’t help but lump the betrayal I feel in general to my mere “being” in the world. Existential betrayal? I’m not sure what the right words are – but traversing this middle ground during transition is treacherous even when you have maturity, employment and good people in your corner.
I’m finding the dark corners of this exploration taking me into a different state of reason. Is this the hormonal influence of testosterone on my brain? I never was overly emotional but now there seems to be a closer connection between anger driving logic. It doesn’t feel as controllable or cold – I thought being more male would be colder and derived a sense of relief and anticipation from that and finding this expectation to be wrong is disconcerting.
I was always one to jump to action and problem solving mode – a trait that served me well in corporate America. But now the urge comes quicker and feels more decisive even if more data would be prudent.
A second adolescence at 50 is part of the deal – I knew that going in. I forgot how excruciatingly painful that was the first time around. Kind of like getting in an extra reincarnation cycle in one lifetime. If I believed in karma I would assume I’d done something very bad to deserve this lesson.