The Hidden Years


I am 52 and started my transition at 49. I am in the US. I’ve lost relationships, a job, and spent lots of money for surgeries that should have been covered by insurance. By sheer accident of where I was born I will never be able to get a birth certificate that shows I am male (the “f” is merely crossed through and “m” entered above it). I’ve been on testosterone for two years and it has generally worked its magic. I haven’t been mis-gendered in over a year.

Is the dysphoria gone? No. But I’m not feeling it as intensely. Has this later in life transition been worth it? I can’t imagine having continued to live as a women until the end of my natural life. I would have had no other choice but to end it prematurely.

Do I feel guilt or regret? Yes. I regret that grandparents I loved so dearly never got to know the real me. I regret I’ll never know what it will be like to live as a young man. I feel guilt about past relationships that failed in part because I couldn’t let the other person in to connect with me completely. I feel guilt because to be me I had to end her – she worked so hard and so long to give me a final shot at living as he.

Best to you on your journey. Keep writing. It makes a difference.

Some Assembly Required

Hiding

As I have said in previous posts I have lived with gender dysphoria for most of my life. It has been a consistent part of my life since I can remember. It does not go away. So what is this invisible life companion that has been with me for so long?

Gender dysphoria is a basic and fundamental discomfort and dissatisfaction with the biological gender I was born with. It has triggered periods of anxiety, depression, restlessness and suicidal thoughts. It is these feelings that have been the catalyst to making the decision to change both my physical body and my gender expression to be more reflective of what I know my real gender identity to be.

For me gender expression was the beginning of transition, I did not know where or what it was going to lead to. In the past dressing and presenting as male had been enough…

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2 thoughts on “The Hidden Years

  1. As you have read me you know I understand all those feelings you have shown here.If I could reach across the Atlantic I would shake your hand just to say stay strong.We stand together on this journey!

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