Learning to feel whole is one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. I am resigned to the reality that the fifth surgery in November is my last shot at getting to the closest approximation of what my body should have been. If it fails I know I have given this my all. I have walked a difficult path and did my best to learn what I could and hopefully enlighten a few others along the way.
Feeling numb to experience is caused by the false perception that you are caught in the wrong experience, as in if a predicament. This perception is caused in turn by the false belief that you need to pursue experience. You do not need to pursue experience. You are experience.
J. Jennifer Matthews, Radically Condensed Instructions for Being Just as You Are
Old hurts beckoned me and I went to them, searching the subterranean labyrinths of my heart. The memories come broken, twisting toward wholeness. I unlock their secret meanings and let them fly away. I have the sensation I am getting to the bottom of something. Age 12, staring hard at my face in the mirror, thinking, “When will I look like myself?” Unable to picture how that self might look. I think of myself as a depressed, insecure teenager, an overwhelmed 9-year-old. I think of myself now, a man…
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