Surgery Day 9

Trigger warning – wounds, dysphoria

After the change of the arm dressing yesterday I felt completely emotionally drained. Luckily a friend went in with me and kept talking me through it. It wasn’t painful physically but just looking at the site – it seemed I could see to the bone – flooded me with all kinds of emotions I had never processed before. I cried. I have barely cried since starting T. I hyperventilated. I broke into a cold sweat. I almost tossed my cookies.

Seeing myself torn open like that reminded me I am animal – trapped in a physical body I have battled for over a half century. Will I ever really be able to love it – with all the battle scars reminding me of the ordeal it has been to get to this bloody swollen mess? If I happen to get through the next few weeks with few complications will I finally find some peace?

Each surgery prior I did – a little less vigilance needed in public, feeling a little more comfortable in bathrooms, etc. How much dysphoria will be left? Will I be able to stay present and not disconnect as a way to manage pain?

4 thoughts on “Surgery Day 9

  1. It feels weird to “like” this post, but, again, your honesty with your feelings is what I’m liking here, not your pain. I have not gone through what you’re going through. I probably won’t. But, I will have scars too from this journey. Try to think of those battle scars as badges of honor that you have earned. They bring us as close to our selves as we can get in these animal bodies. Truth, authenticity and inner peace are the rewards at the end of this quest. You WILL feel better once this is all said and done. Life is never perfect or pain free but you’re doing every thing you can for yourself with our current technology. Stay strong! You will get through this.

  2. I could not have said it better than Lesboi, but I agree with all the sentiments. Take good care of yourself – and remember, we are allowed to toss out cookies, even after half a century.

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