Trigger warning – wounds, dysphoria
After the change of the arm dressing yesterday I felt completely emotionally drained. Luckily a friend went in with me and kept talking me through it. It wasn’t painful physically but just looking at the site – it seemed I could see to the bone – flooded me with all kinds of emotions I had never processed before. I cried. I have barely cried since starting T. I hyperventilated. I broke into a cold sweat. I almost tossed my cookies.
Seeing myself torn open like that reminded me I am animal – trapped in a physical body I have battled for over a half century. Will I ever really be able to love it – with all the battle scars reminding me of the ordeal it has been to get to this bloody swollen mess? If I happen to get through the next few weeks with few complications will I finally find some peace?
Each surgery prior I did – a little less vigilance needed in public, feeling a little more comfortable in bathrooms, etc. How much dysphoria will be left? Will I be able to stay present and not disconnect as a way to manage pain?