Trigger warning – dysphoria and surgery
So now I face Winter. This is the dead space. I don’t know if the surgery will result in anything I can feel. It will take months until I know whether the nerves will awaken. I told myself that wouldn’t matter so long as I feel whole and safe in my own skin. But now, faced with the reality of an insensate piece of flesh brought into being at the cost of pain and permanent disfigurement of my arm and lengthy rehabilitation for my hand, I waiver in my resolve. I could not stay as I was. But will I make it through this Winter of uncertainty? Will I finally be able to take all the energy I’m using to transition to actually live instead of fighting to live? Will there be any energy left?