since my last post. I’m still here. I am still battling with the trauma of multiple surgeries, a disfiguring scar on my forearm, a devastating betrayal from someone who knows who she is. I lost one of my best canine friends. But I’m still here. Rising out of the ashes. Reconfiguring who I am and how I make a living and, some day, how I relax.
i am a transman. I chose to medically transition so now I am on the other side of the binary.
Being visible for me now means continuing to advocate for freedom of all gender expression – beyond the binary.
Some day in the future gender will be an arcane historical oversimplification. We are all complex human beings – recreating ourselves in ways that matter to our own sense of authenticity.
What’s so bad? You might be asking that. I mean look, they used the right pronouns, the right names, etc. Whatever could they have done wrong, cake and pats on the back all ’round, yes?
Well … no.
Oh, bugger, they’ve edited it already! Well, in that instance congratulations! But as it’s important we’ll continue as if they hadn’t for rhetorical sake.
The original text had been: “[…]Stephen was born a girl[…]”
Now, some people might not realise what’s wrong with that. Well, that’s where we get to the importance of connotation, of perception, of what language does on a more psychological level.
In short, let’s discuss why we must choose…
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Trigger Warning: Suicide
I’ve been reading post after post on the death of Leelah Alcorn. My heart breaks for her – as a fellow transgender person her suicide note resonated all too well. The aftermath of additional hatred from those compelled to defend her parents or differentiate them from “true Christians” only adds to my own personal sense of hopelessness. Who am I to say “it gets better”? That won’t happen – unless we work together to make it better. And from where I sit, it is a monumental task and blaming her parents will not bring her back nor honor her memory.
Leelah’s parents are victims as well – victims of indoctrination in a hateful religious ideology that I am all to familiar with in my own fundamentalist Christian upbringing. An upbringing that no doubt played a role in delaying my own transition for years. Fear based obedience takes its toll – I do not think I will ever fully recover from it. I am constantly second guessing myself when I am faced with standing up to authority and speaking truth to power.
Threatening to protest Leelah’s funeral and social media attacks will not change her parents hearts or minds. If anything, it will harden their hearts and further victimize them. They lost their child. Now is the time to examine and display behavior that will help prevent a similarly situated child from doing what Leelah did. Even if her family refuses to do so, be models for honoring her gender and name choice. Advocate for human rights. Educate others how to be effective and visible allies for all gender non-conforming people. If you know individuals or families struggling with GLBT issues, reach out and help connect them to resources like PFLAG and the Trevor Project.
Religious indoctrination should not be underestimated in how deep and how long it impacts both adherents and apostates. I spent a long time de-programming myself and I am sure – even now – I am not done. To those who say I do not know “true Christianity” I can only say this – I have read the whole bible. Many times. I have read many Christian apologists. I have studied alternative religions. And in the end I could only see organized religion as a tool to suppress, segregate, and control society. There are consequences to blind faith and adherence to religious dogma – real consequences like the death of this teenager and the tragedy her parents and siblings will live with for the rest of their lives.
And there is plenty of blame to go around – well beyond Leelah’s parents and their church. The unacceptably high murder and suicide rates for transgender people tells them they are less than human and a minority that deserves to be annihilated – whether at their own hands or those of others. As I read Leelah’s suicide note I was struck at how her hopelessness was rooted in her fear of never being able to pass as “real woman” – a fear of persistent ostracism and isolation as a non-passing transgender women.
Every time we tell a transgender person they need to “pass” some binary gender test in order to be accepted as a real person – a fellow human being – we are to blame. Every time we buy something from a corporation known to discriminate against GLBT people, we are to blame. Every time a TERF (transgender exclusionary radical feminist) excludes transwomen as “not real women” (s)he is to blame. Every time a gay man or lesbian shuns a fellow lesbian or gay man for deciding to transition (s)he is to blame. Every time a politician throws transgender rights under the bus in an attempt to win political battles for the gay/lesbian community (and they agree) (s)he (and they) is to blame.
I too have failed many times. I’ve mainly failed because it took a half century for me to truly be me – a transgender FTM. Now I pay the price in regret and remorse for living over half a life unexamined – a life not worth living.
Can individual accountability be part of the answer – a first step to Leelah’s call to “fix society”? Before we strike out and blame others – let’s look within and courageously examine how we each fail to live a fully examined life and contribute to the inhumane treatment of all gender non-conforming people. Perhaps then “it gets better” will be more than a promise; let’s make it better.
I have been quiet of late. Busy trying to recuperate from surgery. Lots of hand therapy and wound care. I didn’t appreciate how much time this would take. I get little else done.
I promised a friend I’d write a narrative for a new book on transmen. But I’m older and from Appalachian roots. I can’t help but feel my story is a bit obsolete at this point. Maybe the world isn’t ready for “Coal Miner’s grandtranson”?
When I received my acceptance letter for a master’s program in California, my partner and I already knew that we would leave our home state of Michigan, where we were born and raised. There was no question.
We left behind everything that we knew – family and friends, familiar sights and favorite spots, our homes and the memories made there, and made a new home in sunny California.
We had no interest in staying in a state that continually rejected us at every turn.
Today, the 6th Circuit issued a ruling upholding the same-sex marriage ban in Michigan. When I saw the ruling light up my Facebook newsfeed, I looked at my partner of three years – truly, the one that I love beyond measure, my partner in life – and was reminded of all of the reasons we made the difficult but important decision…
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Today is my natal birthday so I’m a bit reflective.
I remember the hospital bassinet card my mother kept in an old photo album. The first name is “Girl”. She was so sure she was having a boy that she hadn’t settled on a girl name. It’s too bad her strong sense of who I was in utero was obliterated by a god in a white coat examining genitals and declaring “girl” most likely as soon as I drew my first breath.
While studying Anthropology I read accounts of Native American tribes that didn’t assign gender at birth. Instead they waited to see what the child did that reflected gender in that culture. I knew had I been born in that time and place there would have been no question that my gender was male. My life experience would have been congruent. My existential struggle different.
But I was not born in that place and time. And I did have to struggle for half a century from that early mistake – not my mistake but the one set in
motion by the god in the white coat.
For the past three years more enlightened gods in white coats have tried to undo what that first god started so long ago. Five surgeries later and hormonal elixirs have made a difference. And while this won’t undo the 50 years I endured being forced to be female, it’s a start. It’s restoring my much depleted store of energy – energy needed to live out the last part of my life more authentically. I feel as if I may finally be able search for a life cause and meaning outside of myself – beyond gender.
This last surgery has been the most intense. And I have been relatively lucky because physical complications, very common in this procedure, have been minimal. I still have physical healing to do but the next phase – the psychological work is just beginning.
Yesterday the surgeon noted how well things were going and I qualified it by adding the phrase “for an old guy”. He paused for a moment and said “in this case it wasn’t about age. You were mentally ready.”
Yes I was ready – and now I have to get ready again. Today is my birthday and though I am tempted to change it to the day I first took hormones or the day of my last surgery I won’t. I drew my first breath today so many years ago in a coal town clinic and was declared a girl. Every day since has been a battle against that declaration. From now on, on this birthday, I will give thanks for final victory over that battle.
What a loving tribute and insight for how significant others to transitioning folk feel.
Ellen my sister wasn’t always my sister,
Ellen is somebody new.
Ellen my sister is my foster sister,
And her story is heartfelt and true.
Ellen, so sweet, was disowned by her Dad,
Ellen also rejected by Mum.
Ellen has had to be privately schooled,
So now she is taunted by none.
Ellen, my sister, and I had a past,
Ellen, was somewhat a trial.
Ellen moved into my house back in May,
And we didn’t talk for a while.
Ellen was fostered by my Mum and Dad,
Ellen’s first month, it was tough,
Ellen accepted the time it would take,
For me to accept her with love.
Ellen my sister wasn’t always my sister
Ellen was born as a guy,
Ellen my sister was Alan my boyfriend,
But Alan was living a lie.
Alan my boyfriend was lovely and kind,
Alan my boyfriend was hot,
Alan was sensitive –…
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I don’t talk religion or politics- EVER. If you are familiar with my blog, then you already know this. If not, now you know. I keep my opinions to myself and don’t engage in any kind of debate on these two topics. I did find this piece to be very interesting and I liked the calm, matter of fact presentation. It gave me a good feel.
Trigger warning – medical procedures
Yesterday I went for my two week check up.
All looked good except for some swelling and inflammation in the groin area. Luckily upon closer examination the doctor noticed that the Doppler wire had not been pulled. I thought it was just the end of a stitch coming out of the incision.
He proceeded to pull it and the first inch or so was fine. Then he had to tug a bit harder and I felt a twinge. Not pleasant but it all finally came out – maybe six inches or so.
Maybe it’s my imagination but I think some of the swelling is down today but I’m still a bit red. No fever so he didn’t restart any antibiotics.
I stopped taking the bladder spasm meds last night to move on to getting my bladder ready for the suprapubic catheter removal. I left the bag on overnight while the meds worked out of my system. I worried I might get spasms over night but luckily did not.
This morning I disconnected the bag and plugged the catheter as instructed. I then drank a big glass of water and waited for the blessed event.
What a strange sensation. The stream was tiny but strong and no pain or burning. After I am done I then have to unplug the catheter to release any residual from the bladder. This is an indicator of how much bladder tone I need to develop. Once this residual gets low enough the catheter can come out. I guesstimated I am at 40% residual. Not bad for the first go.
I go back to the doctor in six days and my goal is to get that residual down low enough to get the catheter out.
Let the water works begin!